I am a stay at home mom. A lot of people believe that because I am a stay at home mom, my life could not possibly compare to the life of a working mom. I agree, yes, I do not have to find the energy every morning to wake up, get my kid's stuff ready, take him to daycare, and then head off to work to do a difficult job while battling with mommy brain, and missing my little one. I'm sure it is quite difficult to manage. I know that working moms are sad because they're potentially missing out on their child's first milestones, or they're worried their little ones will like the daycare workers better than them, or they just miss the snuggles and smiles in general. I can imagine that is difficult, just because I don't work, doesn't mean I haven't left my child for an extended period of time. My son has spent several weekends or overnights with Grandma and I remember missing him and I actually have missed a few of his milestones because he did them for Grandma first. I may not know EXACTLY how you feel, but I can sympathize to your situation.
So perhaps, working moms, you can attempt to sympathize with my situation. You have an opportunity everyday to get up and get ready for work. Perhaps your significant other tends to the child so you can take a shower, put some makeup on, get dressed. I bet that helps your self esteem a little bit. To be able to look in the mirror every morning and see at least a little semblance to your pre-baby self. I bet it feels good to put on nice clothes and go out in public feeling pretty (I know that there are days you may not feel this way). I wake up every morning and my fiance is off to work. He leaves and then for the next 10 hours, it is just me and Lucas. Most days, I don't remember to put on deodorant. My hair is almost constantly in a messy bun, because Lucas likes to pull and eat my hair. I rarely wear make-up, but that doesn't stop me from breaking out like crazy now. I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize myself. And because I am a stay-at-home mom, I don't have a reason to "get pretty", except for the occasional chance I get to go out to eat or see friends. Yes, on occasion, I will just brush my hair and put on some makeup to feel good about myself. But then Lucas will fling squash in my face or spit up on me and ruin my nice shirt and I'll remember why I usually stay in sweatpants and a T-shirt. My self-esteem hasn't disappeared, but for now it is compartmentalized so I don't take it out on my loved ones. From gaining so much weight during pregnancy and now having no time to take care of my own appearance (and I admit I do have that time but I find other things more important, like taking that opportunity to take a nap instead), I don't know if my self-esteem will ever be the same. This is not a pity party though. This is just me trying to balance the scales. Working moms are complaining about the balance of being a mom and working, so here I am, talking about the balance of being a mom and, well...being anything else.
Now my sole energy is on my child. I am with him all the time, I am responsible for the same things your daycare workers are responsible for. I must entertain him, often, but not so often that he doesn't know how to play independently. I must sing him songs, talk to him almost constantly to help develop his verbal skills, be teaching him how to play with toys differently according to his age, etc. I must do this all while trying to find time to feed myself, go to the bathroom, and do whatever needs done around the house, since someone is almost always home, it becomes extra messy. And I begin to lose my identity. I am mom. My friends don't talk to me about their lives that much anymore because they know I "have a lot on my plate." When they do talk to me, it's usually a short conversation of, "How's the baby?" and then a brief update on their life, "Things are good." They don't realize that I would give anything to hear a little bit about their life and what's going on, so that I could be a "friend" as well as a mom. They don't invite me out because they know I'm "busy" and "tired". They don't realize that I would gladly be tired one day out of the month for the chance to get pretty and go out with friends and catch up and be a "woman" instead of just a "mom".
I've lost my brain too. I have mommy brain to the worst extent because I am always around Lucas, so I am ALWAYS first and foremost a mommy, and cannot think about anything else except for him. I don't get hours of a day away from him to try and refocus. Even as I write this very blog post, Lucas is less than 3 feet away from me, and I can hear his snoring. And as I acknowledged that little detail to myself, I could feel my brain getting foggier because I was starting to focus on why he is snoring, could he be getting a cold, should I turn the humidifier on, etc.
The point is, like I said, not a pity party. I don't want your pity. Because honestly, I'm happy that I'm learning not to base my worth on my appearance. I'm glad that I get to play such an important role in my child's development. But I do envy the working mom for developing their identity outside of being a mom. For still being able to do things other than being a mom to help validate their worth and self esteem. And still, this is not the point of this blog.
The point is, people really need to stop thinking, "No one could possibly understand what I'm going through right now." I get that there can be a divide. I think that yes, new dads do not always understand what new moms are going through. I think that yes, people without children do not always understand what parents are going through. But there are always exceptions to that rule. There are people out there that are exceptional sympathizers. There are people who may not know exactly what you're going through but they can relate it to an experience they have gone through and get a least a general understanding. There are people who may have no idea what you're going through but they can imagine how you must be feeling.
If you look at the world and think, "No one understands", then you are the problem. You are putting yourself in a box, separating yourself from everyone else and wondering why no one is giving you any sympathy. You have to be willing to talk about what's going on and attempt to get your friends and family to understand in order to gain their sympathy and help. Of course no one is going to understand what you're going through if you have not mentioned a single word of your struggle.
I know that it is difficult as a new mom. You don't want anyone to see you struggle. You want everyone to think that you are handling things perfectly. But, if you are going to pretend everything is fine, then you cannot expect for people to understand what you're going through, because as far as they know, you aren't going through anything.
I'm not saying everyone should start crying and whining all the time about every little thing, but there is a way to talk about motherhood and its difficulties. And the best way to start that conversation is usually, "Honestly, I've been having a hard time with..."
But until you start to acknowledge that other people are capable of understanding it, you aren't going to get any help, or sympathy, or understanding. You are going to end up alone and then, yes, you are going to be having a difficult time trying to deal with it all. Open yourself up and let others help. Yes, life is hard. Yes, certain jobs are hard. Yes, being a mom is hard. But everyone is having a hard time out there, and it can only get better with some understanding.
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