Breastfeeding Success

Now that my son is a year old, I consider my experience breastfeeding him a success.  Throughout his first year, I only had minor incidences that were easily resolved.  I've experienced pain while breastfeeding, engorgement, mastitis, and milk blisters, etc. I've also dealt with his teething and a couple of nursing strikes.  But to me, the hardest part about breastfeeding was the beginning.

When I was still pregnant with Lucas, I was incredibly nervous about breastfeeding.  I read several articles about how to breastfeed, and how to succeed at breastfeeding.  I watched videos online about breastfeeding as well.  I was so focused on the breastfeeding aspect of his first few weeks, that when pregnant I had several dreams about breastfeeding.  In fact, one night I actually had a dream about breastfeeding my cat.  It was agonizing worrying about something that I could only prepare for by reading.  I couldn't borrow a baby and breastfeed with them to practice.  I couldn't practice with a doll.  It was something that I had to wait and see if I was going to be able to do it.

I think part of this fear came from the pressure that new moms are subjected to when it comes to breastfeeding their baby.  We are told from the get go that "Breast is best" and that if we formula feed our babies that they are going to grow up unhealthy and not as intelligent.  They suggest that formula fed babies are not as nurtured as breastfed babies.  It adds so much extra pressure to a new mom when breastfeeding is not going well, because they are afraid that they have failed their child.  Being a new mom is hard enough without this added pressure.

There is a burden for a new mom as well if they are encountering pain in the beginning of breastfeeding.  I've read the books, and the articles, and a fair amount of them say that if you are experiencing any pain, chafing, or bleeding when breastfeeding, then you are doing it wrong.  These articles act like breastfeeding tickles.  They act like if you are experiencing any discomfort that you should pull your baby away from your breast and then readjust baby's latch until it no longer hurts.  I am here to tell you new mommies, even if you are doing everything right, sometimes, it still hurts.  I was told by doctors, and lactation consultants that Lucas' latch was perfect.  For the first few weeks, I stared at him when he was latching, studying him to ensure that he was still doing it the right way.  When he cut his first tooth and I started experiencing discomfort, I finally saw a slight change in his latch and was able to fix it.  But, in the beginning, his latch was perfect, and I was still in pain.  There were nights I would be nursing him, and I would be holding Jeremy's hand while he slept, squeezing it, trying to grit through the pain.  There was nothing wrong with his latch.  My body was getting used to nursing, and nursing every 2-3 hours, every day.  Your body needs time to adjust.  Don't panic and think that you are doing something wrong.  Don't feel guilty.  Check that the latch is okay, consult a lactation consultant, and then stick with it if you can.  But if you can't, that's okay too.  We mommies have to stick together, and while I am incredibly glad I breastfed Lucas, I promise I'm not going to shame you and think less of you if you don't breastfeed your child.

This brings me to my ultimate point of this entry.

My secret to breastfeeding success.

I do not think that my success is attributed to all the reading I did.  Honestly, I think I was very lucky that Lucas latched correctly, and I was lucky that I did not have a significant amount of discomfort in the beginning.  I have watched people struggle through the first few months of nursing, and count my blessings I was not one of them.  But there is one thing that I did that I believe is how I succeeded in breastfeeding through the first year of Lucas' life (I am still currently breastfeeding him as well).

My secret is...I had to.  From the moment that I became pregnant, I knew I had to breastfeed.  I'll admit that I was incredibly skinny before pregnancy, and the appeal of losing calories breastfeeding appealed to me, but that was not my reasoning either.  I had to breastfeed because, we would have never been able to raise a child with our income if we were buying formula.  We did our baby budget in the beginning, and had no idea how we were going to be able to afford it.  We lucked out that I was able to work until I was 9 months pregnant.  We were lucky that we had incredibly supportive and helpful parents who were able to buy us a crib, a changing table, a stroller, a car seat, etc.  We were blessed to have a diaper raffle at our baby shower and did not have to purchase diapers for Lucas until he was over 6 months old.  Until Lucas was about 8 months, we actually did not purchase a lot for him.  We bought a few outfits for him for the first few months of his life, but most of Lucas' things were hand-me-downs from friends, or items we received from our family and friends.  So, from the get-go, we knew that we would not have been able to afford formula.  Granted, if I had not been able to breastfeed, we would have had to budget again and get some help from our family.  Trust me, our child would never have starved, his grandparents and parents love him too much to ever have let that happen.  But every night that I was having difficulty, the prominent thought in my head was, I HAVE to do this.  I CANNOT give up.  We had some formula back-up in case, but I knew I wouldn't need it.  Having the mindset that this is something that you have to do, helped.  But I wasn't guilted into that mindset.  I never thought to myself, "I HAVE to do this, or my child will be stupid," or "I have to do this because it means I love my child more."  I simply had to do it because I had to.  Now, when I reflect back on those late nights, I know that was what got me through it.

We are in a better financial situation now, and we could afford to wean Lucas if we wanted, but I don't want to yet.  This was something I was able to provide for him, and it didn't cost a thing.  At the end of the day, the gifts we give our children that don't cost any money, are usually the best gifts we can give them anyway.  Our attention, our love, and...breastfeeding.

The "You Don't Understand" Complex

It is very rare that a personal opinion blog will get me so worked up.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and yes, even the ridiculous blogs with radical opinions, don't usually get me upset.  (I just roll my eyes and move on).  But I recently came across a post of someone talking about their career and how hard it is.  It was not necessarily the post itself that made me angry, but more the person who was posting it because I know what was going through their head.  They have this same career but are also a new mom.  So I know that they are posting this hoping to get a little understanding from their friends and family about how hard it has been going back to work and also being a mom at the same time. I even understand that the career in question is a very difficult one, and I definitely agreed with a lot of the points being made.  Again, that is not what made me angry.  It is the opinion that because one is a new mom and has this difficult career, that no one could possibly understand or sympathize what they are going through that makes me mad. So that is what this blog entry is about.  This, "You Don't Understand" complex that a lot of people seem to have today.

I am a stay at home mom.  A lot of people believe that because I am a stay at home mom, my life could not possibly compare to the life of a working mom.  I agree, yes, I do not have to find the energy every morning to wake up, get my kid's stuff ready, take him to daycare, and then head off to work to do a difficult job while battling with mommy brain, and missing my little one.  I'm sure it is quite difficult to manage.  I know that working moms are sad because they're potentially missing out on their child's first milestones, or they're worried their little ones will like the daycare workers better than them, or they just miss the snuggles and smiles in general.  I can imagine that is difficult, just because I don't work, doesn't mean I haven't left my child for an extended period of time.  My son has spent several weekends or overnights with Grandma and I remember missing him and I actually have missed a few of his milestones because he did them for Grandma first.  I may not know EXACTLY how you feel, but I can sympathize to your situation.

So perhaps, working moms, you can attempt to sympathize with my situation.  You have an opportunity everyday to get up and get ready for work.  Perhaps your significant other tends to the child so you can take a shower, put some makeup on, get dressed.  I bet that helps your self esteem a little bit.  To be able to look in the mirror every morning and see at least a little semblance to your pre-baby self.  I bet it feels good to put on nice clothes and go out in public feeling pretty (I know that there are days you may not feel this way).  I wake up every morning and my fiance is off to work.  He leaves and then for the next 10 hours, it is just me and Lucas.  Most days, I don't remember to put on deodorant.  My hair is almost constantly in a messy bun, because Lucas likes to pull and eat my hair.  I rarely wear make-up, but that doesn't stop me from breaking out like crazy now.  I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize myself.  And because I am a stay-at-home mom, I don't have a reason to "get pretty", except for the occasional chance I get to go out to eat or see friends.  Yes, on occasion, I will just brush my hair and put on some makeup to feel good about myself.  But then Lucas will fling squash in my face or spit up on me and ruin my nice shirt and I'll remember why I usually stay in sweatpants and a T-shirt.  My self-esteem hasn't disappeared, but for now it is compartmentalized so I don't take it out on my loved ones.  From gaining so much weight during pregnancy and now having no time to take care of my own appearance (and I admit I do have that time but I find other things more important, like taking that opportunity to take a nap instead), I don't know if my self-esteem will ever be the same.  This is not a pity party though.  This is just me trying to balance the scales.  Working moms are complaining about the balance of being a mom and working, so here I am, talking about the balance of being a mom and, well...being anything else.

Now my sole energy is on my child.  I am with him all the time, I am responsible for the same things your daycare workers are responsible for.  I must entertain him, often, but not so often that he doesn't know how to play independently.  I must sing him songs, talk to him almost constantly to help develop his verbal skills, be teaching him how to play with toys differently according to his age, etc.  I must do this all while trying to find time to feed myself, go to the bathroom, and do whatever needs done around the house, since someone is almost always home, it becomes extra messy.  And I begin to lose my identity.  I am mom.  My friends don't talk to me about their lives that much anymore because they know I "have a lot on my plate."  When they do talk to me, it's usually a short conversation of, "How's the baby?" and then a brief update on their life, "Things are good."  They don't realize that I would give anything to hear a little bit about their life and what's going on, so that I could be a "friend" as well as a mom.  They don't invite me out because they know I'm "busy" and "tired".  They don't realize that I would gladly be tired one day out of the month for the chance to get pretty and go out with friends and catch up and be a "woman" instead of just a "mom".
I've lost my brain too.  I have mommy brain to the worst extent because I am always around Lucas, so I am ALWAYS first and foremost a mommy, and cannot think about anything else except for him.  I don't get hours of a day away from him to try and refocus.  Even as I write this very blog post, Lucas is less than 3 feet away from me, and I can hear his snoring.  And as I acknowledged that little detail to myself, I could feel my brain getting foggier because I was starting to focus on why he is snoring, could he be getting a cold, should I turn the humidifier on, etc.

The point is, like I said, not a pity party.  I don't want your pity.  Because honestly, I'm happy that I'm learning not to base my worth on my appearance.  I'm glad that I get to play such an important role in my child's development.  But I do envy the working mom for developing their identity outside of being a mom.  For still being able to do things other than being a mom to help validate their worth and self esteem.  And still, this is not the point of this blog.
The point is, people really need to stop thinking, "No one could possibly understand what I'm going through right now."  I get that there can be a divide.  I think that yes, new dads do not always understand what new moms are going through.  I think that yes, people without children do not always understand what parents are going through. But there are always exceptions to that rule.  There are people out there that are exceptional sympathizers.  There are people who may not know exactly what you're going through but they can relate it to an experience they have gone through and get a least a general understanding.  There are people who may have no idea what you're going through but they can imagine how you must be feeling.
If you look at the world and think, "No one understands", then you are the problem.  You are putting yourself in a box, separating yourself from everyone else and wondering why no one is giving you any sympathy.  You have to be willing to talk about what's going on and attempt to get your friends and family to understand in order to gain their sympathy and help.  Of course no one is going to understand what you're going through if you have not mentioned a single word of your struggle.

I know that it is difficult as a new mom.  You don't want anyone to see you struggle.  You want everyone to think that you are handling things perfectly.  But, if you are going to pretend everything is fine, then you cannot expect for people to understand what you're going through, because as far as they know, you aren't going through anything.

I'm not saying everyone should start crying and whining all the time about every little thing, but there is a way to talk about motherhood and its difficulties.  And the best way to start that conversation is usually, "Honestly, I've been having a hard time with..."

But until you start to acknowledge that other people are capable of understanding it, you aren't going to get any help, or sympathy, or understanding.  You are going to end up alone and then, yes, you are going to be having a difficult time trying to deal with it all.  Open yourself up and let others help.  Yes, life is hard.  Yes, certain jobs are hard.  Yes, being a mom is hard.  But everyone is having a hard time out there, and it can only get better with some understanding.

Post-Partum Joint Pain

When Lucas was around six weeks old, I woke up one morning to pick him up out of his bassinet and noticed my right shoulder was very tight. I lifted him out with some difficulty and proceeded to have our morning nursing session, while rolling my shoulder a little to try and loosen it up. Later that day, when I was burping Lucas, I noticed my right wrist was also incredibly sore. I flinched a few times while burping him, and then grabbed my wrist brace and put it on. I dismissed it as my carpal tunnel acting up. The next morning when I woke up, not only were those joints hurting, but my left knee made it incredibly difficult to even get out of bed. When nursing, I would sit in bed with the boppy pillow, sitting Indian Style. I had paid so much attention to making sure my back was in the proper position, I hadn't paid much attention to my knees. By the third and fourth days, when Lucas would wake up in the morning, Jeremy would have to pull him out of the bassinet for me. I was in so much pain, I had to attempt and switch holding Lucas to the opposite side as well as burping him with the other hand. It was difficult but I made due, until those joints started hurting as well. Now, with already being sleep deprived, and the house being a mess, this additional joint pain threatened to break me. I was in tears. I would take Tylenol on occasion, but I have never been one to take medicine unless absolutely necessary. I attempted yoga a few times while Lucas was napping, but more often than not, I ended up sleeping during his naps instead. So I decided to do what I always do when I have questions. I sought out answers.

None of the moms that I knew seemed to remember having joint pain around this time. They admitted to being sore, but I'm assuming that their sleep deprivation was stuck in their memory more than having a few stiff joints. I knew it made sense for me to have stiff joints. I mean, of course you're going to be stiff when you start carrying a 7-10 lb baby around all day. But I figured with some exercise or stretching, the pain would subside. When I googled post-partum joint pain, the results were a lot of people talking about having it, but not a lot of answers as to why, or how to relieve it. I had my six week checkup that week, and asked my doctor, and finally got some answers.

There is definite reason why a lot of moms experience post-partum joint pain but there are two speculations. One is what I previously stated; it is perfectly normal for your muscles and joints to get stiff in adjustment to your carrying around a baby. You spent the past 9-10 months with extra weight and had the pain and stiffness that came with that, so it is to be expected that after delivering there will need to be adjustments made as well. Now you are also using muscles that you haven't used as often in the past few months. You are carrying a baby in your arms, you are lifting them out of their bassinet and putting pressure on your shoulders, you are nursing and putting pressure on your back. 

The second speculation for the joint pain is that around 6 weeks your body finally ridding itself of the hormone Relaxin. Relaxin is a hormone emitted during pregnancy to help loosen your ligaments so you can grow to accommodate the baby. Simply put, your ligaments have gone soft during pregnancy and around this time they begin to firm up again, causing you pain. 

I wish I could tell you of some miracle cure that helped heal me from this post partum joint pain, but the truth is, I don't even remember how long it lasted. From what I can remember of those first few months, I'd speculate my joint pain lasted from Lucas being 6 weeks old, until he was about 9 weeks old. However, from what little research I have found on the subject, apparently the pain can last up until around 6 months. 

My recommendations to you if you are suffering from post-partum joint pain are simple. Take it easy. I know that it is tempting around this time to go a little crazy. The initial thrill has worn off, so yor family is not around as much. You have gotten the hang of how long your little one sleeps and when. It is very tempting to use this time to catch up on all that housework you have put off. I'm not telling you to ignore it (or there would probably be a lot of grumpy husbands). I'm simply telling to conquer it in moderation. You should be taking it easy around this time anyway. I suggest allotting one nap time to doing one or two easy tasks around the house. Maybe put one load of laundry in and wash some dishes. Maybe dust the house and wipe down some counters. But I would not recommend deciding you are going to do 6 loads of laundry, clean out the closet, scrub the bathtub, and clean the ceiling fans. Take it easy and do a little at a time, and then use the other nap times to do things for yourself.

Around this time I could count on Lucas to have about 3 naps. The first I would use to nap myself. The second I would use to eat lunch and then AFTER I ate j would do some sort of cleaning. The third I would use for myself, whether it be reading, taking a quick bath, tweezing my eyebrows, or taking yet another nap. I admit I went crazy in the beginning with the cleaning and I paid for it by not being able to pick my baby up without grimacing for at least two weeks. Trust me as a mommy who still remembers the pain, the cleaning can wait, those little moments with your little one cannot. You may not remember the pain later, but things are hard enough in the beginning for a new mom, why add to it?