"Oh you have the baby blues."
This was the response given to me after the pediatric nurse checked to see if it was possible for me to still nurse while taking a new anti-depressant.
What does a person say? Do I let her know it actually is much more serious than baby blues? As a person with Major Depressive Disorder, do I mention that this is something that has plagued me since puberty hit?
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, women are 70% more likely to experience depression in their lifetime. This is the case for me. Depression has plagued me since the age of 13, however I was not diagnosed until my freshman year in college. The stigma surrounding depression coupled with my family’s reaction to the admission of my suicide attempts was enough for me to convince myself that I had better suffer this thing in silence, because I did not want to be one of those people labeled ‘’crazy’’. This seemed to work for me, the ability to simply isolate myself until I had the desire to be a part of the world again was manageable. That all changed for me in 2012.
The year started off perfect. I was a fulltime student with a GPA of 3.6 , I was working full-time, and a full-time mother to a toddler. Life seemed to be going in the direction I wanted it to go, until I would wake up in the middle of a panic attack , or would be in the middle of work having panic attacks because I couldn’t understand what was going on around me. I could no longer function or pretend that I was ok, I was unhappy and I wanted out. I was convinced I couldn’t cope anymore. Even after scheduling an intake appointment with a therapist, Thursday was too far away for me. I was convinced by my boyfriend that I could wait it out, ‘just focus on Thursday’ that’s all I had to do and I could get through the week. Then I got a call, my appointment had been cancelled. How could an intake appointment be cancelled? I expressed that I had suicidal thoughts, I told these people I was depressed, I needed help. They just cancelled the appointment and that was it, the last straw for me. The one thing that was keeping me sane and it was gone, I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t function. Life had thrown me the last blow and I was ready to call it quits.
Thankfully that was the day that I checked myself into a mental health facility.
Having depression is like being trapped in a room you don’t want to be in. You are often moody, sad, lethargic, and your interest in all things dwindles. Regardless of how many friends tell you to feel better, or that it’s all in your head, or to simply snap out of it, it’s not something you can do. At times, knowing you are powerless to depression can cause you to be even more depressed.
As a mother you have to be at your best to provide for your children, to offer them love attention, support and care, but what do you do when you don’t even want to get out of bed? How do you engage with an excited three year old who wants to play? How do you explain your immense agitation to family and friends? A ten month old doesn’t understand that you don’t have the energy to move, let alone play peek a boo. With the little bit of fight you have inside of you, you get up and float through the days and weeks, giving the bare minimum, praying and waiting for this mood to pass you by. You are waiting to feel normal again, to be excited by the things in your life that are obviously exciting, and to not find annoyance in small insignificant things.
Luckily there are ways a mother like me can deal with their depression. There are many resources and some of them are even offered by your state, like the state Department of Mental Health. You can go there and be connected with a mental health provider. One of the best resources is your primary care physician. There are also many websites that offer useful information, such as signs and symptoms, the first steps to getting the help you need, and support groups.
www.nih.gov
www.cafemom.com
www.webmd.com
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